I’ve heard many economists speculate on whether or not we’ve hit rock bottom. Their simple answer is that it’s going to be tough to spot the lowest valley even when we’re in it. My contention, however, is that we HAVE hit rock bottom and there’s no way to go but up. Why am I so confident? Two words: Paris Hilton. Yep, Paris Hilton has become this country’s new economic barometer. See, last week was “Fashion Week” in New York City. To quote that bastion of journalistic integrity, The New York Post, “D-listers are warming the front row seats where A-listers used to preen, McDonald’s has replaced Starbucks, and goody bags are filled with K-Y Jelly instead of NARS cosmetics.” You read that correctly. Paris Hilton, who used to command tens of thousands of dollars just to show up and be an imbecile, has now sunk to agreeing to appear for plane fare, coffee and some K-Y Jelly. How can any self respecting citizen of this tabloid obsessed country not see that we’ve hit the very bottom of the basin? Paris needs more K-Y like the Oscars needs more pretension. See, there’s nowhere to go but up.

This becomes even clearer after reading over the list of projects that this new stimulus package will address. The lives of Americans everywhere will forever be changed for the better. This pain and suffering has gone on long enough. Think how much better off we’ll all be once the 15 million dollars that’s been budgeted to fix Milwaukee alleys has been spent! Those alleys may have been the reason Solomon Juneau up and moved to Dodge County in the 1800’s! How have we survived without the 18 million dollars that will be spent on the Madison Public Market? Cedarburgers are getting a new 10 million dollar library on a contaminated site (being reviewed by the EPA for clean up). Imagine library books that glow in the dark. How cool is that? How has Beloit survived all these years without that 200 thousand dollar “Shotspotter” a gunshot location and detection system? Yep, they’re gettin’ one! And it’s about time the Racine Public Library finally got 400 thousand dollars for that “Green Roof”. 

Now don’t start feeling superior. Wisconsin residents aren’t the only ones who’s lives are on the up tick. Were you aware of the pain and suffering that the youth soccer players of Lexington, Kentucky were enduring? Their three thousand player league lost field space so the new stimulus package has budgeted over 8.6 million dollars to build them a new 8 field soccer complex. ‘Bout time! Austin, Texas will be home to a new 36-hole disc golf course. Budgeted for $886,000.00 there may even be some cash left over for silicone spray! And it’s about time the residents of Laurel, Mississippi got that 100k to buy doorbells. How long have their neighbors been sitting on that old brown couch on the porch waiting for them to come to the door?

Personally, I can’t wait for that $100,000,000.00 connector system/street car system that’s been budgeted for Milwaukee. I’ve always wondered what Milwaukee looks like now that its 2009. But I live all the way out here in Waukesha County and some days it can take 20 minutes to drive into the city. Who has that kind of time? I mean aside from Paris Hilton.

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I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to buy ‘Rosetta Stone’ so I can learn how to speak Spanish. But as I sit here staring at the order form it occurs to me that these people are missing a golden opportunity.

Why are they limiting themselves to foreign languages? If you’ve done any traveling at all here in the good old’ USA you know that English sounds a whole lot different depending on where you are. Why not sell ‘Rosetta Stone’ American Dialects? From the east coast to California, from Wisconsin down to Dixie, Americans all have a very different dialect.

CD #1: How to speak ‘Burgher.

Hey, I grew up in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Before we could go “Dahntahn and go loaf with our friends we had to redd up our room. If the roads is slippy, though, y’unz are gonna have come over here”.

CD #2: How to Survive the South.

When my son, Dan, played baseball for the University of South Carolina we would often fly to Columbia, S.C. to watch the Gamecocks. The first time we sat with the parents of the other players I honestly don’t think any of them understood a word of ours. It took us a while but before you know it we were saying things like “My boys over yonder in the bullpen. He’s fixin’ to go in. I done told all y’all that I knowed this other coach was a fool the minute I laid eyes on him”.

CD #3: How to Talk ‘Sconsin.

Sunny today, ain’a? Hows by you? C’mere once. Can you borrow me a dollar? You betcha! I’m goin’ by my Mom’s house later. Wanna come with? She used to live near Johnson Crick but now she’s off Highway a Hunerd past the second set of stop n go lights by that place we buy melk.

The possibilities are endless. And since communication is key, well, this is an idea whose time has come.  

The follow up CD? ‘Rosetta Stone: How to Talk Teenager’. That’ll take a bit longer to figure out.

This has got to stop. The emasculation of the American male has gone on too long. The “Oprahfication” of our society has gotten so pervasive that being a man is something we, apparently, have to apologize for. Guys, it’s time for us to reclaim our manhood. That’s the reason for the inception of the ‘KLH Man Scouts.

The ‘KLH Man Scout knows and understands some very basic things about what it means to be a man. First of all, a real man takes care of his family and all his responsibilities. He treats others, especially women, with respect. He does not whine and complain. He opens doors for ladies and teaches his kids how to throw a spiral, cast a line and tie a necktie. He does not, despite what you may have seen on Oprah, aspire to be your best “girlfriend”. He does not want to sit and discuss feelings or go and get a manicure with you. He is a man and proud of it.

The ‘KLH Man Scout understands that carving a turkey, taking out the trash and killing bugs is part of his life. He should also know how to fly a kite, read a map, give a toast, filet a fish and change a tire. The ‘KLH Man Scout also knows that he should never get anything waxed or put highlights in his hair. His love of trucks, power tools, grilling, snow blowing, pattern mowing and channel surfing is just part of his DNA.

He also can’t help the fact that he loves the Three Stooges or that Field of Dreams makes him tear up a bit. It’s also important to understand that it doesn’t mean we are ignoring you when we tell you we don’t remember something you’ve told us. We have really good memories. They’re just short. Other things that are part of being a man; we can spend a whole day with a friend and never ask him that question you wanted us to ask. We can have a perfectly good time with another guy without talking about anything significant. That’s exactly WHY it was a good time. The hunting, fishing or golf is just an excuse. And when we say we can’t find something in the house we aren’t trying to be difficult. We just can’t find it. Honest.

The ‘KLH Man Scout loves dogs. And dogs love him. A ‘KLH Man Scout does not own cats. If his wife or girlfriend has a cat he may live with it, but under no circumstance may he begin to like it. The ‘KLH Man Scout knows and appreciates all service men and women. He looks up to them and holds them in high regard. He also knows that the true ‘KLH Man Scout either has, or has always wanted, a Harley. He knows that a scar is cool. Lots of scars are awesome. All scars tell a story and we like stories.

The ‘KLH Man Scout knows how to answer the following questions; “Do I look fat?” and “What are you thinking about?”. He also owns several articles of clothing his wife/girlfriend has wanted to throw away for years. Ladies, can you imagine if we went into your closet and tried to throw something away? Exactly! There’s a reason we love that tee shirt, hat or nasty old jersey. Let it be.

Above all, the ‘KLH Man Scout is proud to be a man.  He wants to lead by example. To be the kind of man his own Dad would be proud of. Soon, we’ll have our own website for the ‘KLH Man Scouts. I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, fry up some bacon, grab a beer, and watch 16 things at once on your big screen TV. Just stay away from Oprah.

First, let me tell you how much I enjoyed doing 90 minutes of stand up to a sold out crowd this past Saturday at a benefit for the Racine Theater Guild. It’s a cool set up with the “stage” on the floor and stadium seating rising above you on 3 different sides. I did one hour, took an intermission and closed with 30 more minutes. During my second “act” I did a lot of audience interaction. And that’s when the tensions in the room started to seep through. Oh, not towards me. No, those folks could not have been nicer. We were all having a great time with lots of laughs.

The conflict, friction, and ill feelings I’m referring to involved two very different factions in the room. See, about 70 percent of the audience was from Racine. What about that other 30 percent? Kenosha. Yep: people from Racine and Kenosha just don’t like one another. I knew that before Saturday’s show but I didn’t know that KR is a sort of Maginot line that separates the two communities.

For someone like me who has lived in Waukesha County for 25 years the conflict seemed a bit curious at first. After all, Kenosha is known as the “Gateway to Wisconsin” and, according to the sometimes but not always reliable Wikipedia, it’s the fourth largest city in Wisconsin. Racine, on the other hand, is the home to so many things we value here in Dairyland. S.C. Johnson, malted milk, garbage disposals and kringle (channeling Homer Simpson here, “Ooooh; kringle”.)

Just like Ed Hochuli, though, my first call was not a good one. Upon further review, I would like to present to you this fact: although the city is geographically closer to Milwaukee than Chicago, Kenosha is considered part of the Chicago Metropolitan Area by the US Census. You read that right. The “Gateway to Wisconsin” is considered part of Chicago by the U.S Census. Ludicrous. Or is that Ludicris? I’m not sure anymore.

The infiltration from Lake County, Illinois has gotten so pervasive that the U.S. Government has “annexed” Kenosha and is giving it to Illinois. Stop the madness!

I talked to quite a few of those Kenosha people. They were true Wisconsinites. They were all really nice. I watched them pull out of the parking lot. They were good drivers. One woman was even wearing a Packer sweatshirt. Do you know many nice people from Illinois that are good drivers and wear Packer gear? I don’t either. C’mon Racine, give Kenosha a break. They’re not happy about this Illinois thing and they’re taking it out on you. Don’t we always hurt the ones we love?

So let’s agree to put aside petty disagreements and focus on what’s really important. We are ALL proud members of the Cheesehead Nation. McCartney sang “Give Ireland back to the Irish”.  What about a chorus of “Give Kenosha back to the Badgers?”

I’m going to start out by telling you I’m NOT a pot smoker. Don’t condone it. And as a public figure and a hero to many, Michael Phelps should have known better. Now having said that,  you can’t ignore the fact that pot smoking (and all that it implies) is usually overlooked. Examples? Here you go; 

“Let’s get to the point and roll another joint” sings Tom Petty. “We’re gonna get Hi, Hi, Hi” shouts Paul McCartney. Dylan sang “Everybody must get stoned” in Rainy Day Women # 12 & 35. The first two guys have performed at Super Bowls and Dylan was featured this year with Will.I.Am in a Super Bowl Sunday TV spot. Does anybody blink when a joint is fired up in the TV show “Entourage?” Would the Muppet Show been as popular without an habitually stoned audience?From Cheech and Chong’s “Up in Smoke” to Donovan’s “Mellow Yellow” pot smoking has been a pervasive part of our society. Why, Louis Armstrong sang a song about it 75+ years ago! So what am I getting to? That we Americans LOVE to build someone up and then knock them down. For any reason at all. Jessica Simpson is popular. Then she’s fat. Soon she’ll be “hot” again. The good news for those who get knocked down  is that we usually LOVE to build them back up again. 

The funniest part of the Michael Phelps “alleged” scandal is the fact that “traditional” media outlets refused to call it a ‘bong’. One network exclaimed “Phelps was seen at a college party using a smoking pipe often used to smoke marijuana”. No way?! Really! Isn’t that what you do at a college party? I mean, most of those same folks who refused to use the term ‘bong’ are the same TV/Journalism majors who spent many college weekends at parties just like the one Phelps attended. I’m not excusing his behavior. I just find it ironic that the first people to rush to judgement are the same folks who know exactly what Phelps was doing. I wonder how many  who have condemned him would have salacious, scandalous pictures of their younger days floating around; except cell phone cameras didn’t exist back then?  Look, he’s 23 and he made a mistake. Get off the kid’s back.

As for Kellogg’s dropping him? Bad move. I seem to remember my stoner friends eating lots of Frosted Flakes. I guess there’s always Doritos.

Let’s set the scene. The venue? The Hyatt Hotel, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Adjoining rooms on the 7th floor. It was 3:30 a.m. when the wakeup call came. One guy pops up right away and begins banging on the locked door that connects the 2 rooms. Finally, his partner, shaking off a hangover, stumbles to the door and opens it. “We leave in 10 minutes”.  A knowing grumble, “I’m ready right now”. The two men felt like mercenaries. They came to Milwaukee with a job to do. A February morning with wind chills below zero can be brutal enough in Wisconsin, but when you’re walking the deserted streets in the wee hours of the morning it seems even colder.Were these guys nervous? Of course they were. The job they were hired to do was nearly impossible.Take down some very popular people. On the walk up Wisconsin Avenue they talked about the jobs they had turned down. Phoenix wanted them. So did Buffalo. That Miami job would’ve been easier. But they liked the challenge. So, who are these guys I’m referring to? Wise guys? Mobsters? Hardly. The guys they were hired to take down? Really good people. People named Reitman and Mueller.Now, let’s cue the jingle…Girard and Luczak…Girard and Luczak in the Morning, in Milwaukee. That’s right; February 13, 2009 will be exactly 25 years to the day that we moved, along with our families, to Milwaukee. The late, great Don Girard and I were doing a morning show inRochester, New York and we were looking at “other opportunities.” We liked Milwaukee right away. The people, the radio station and the management. Right after we switched to WKLH in January of 1986 Don left for San Francisco.Our newsperson, Carole Caine, stepped up and became my radio partner. It’s been a great ride. We’ve married over 100 couples on-air and done our show from all over the world. Munich, Hawaii, Mexico, London, even a hot air balloon. We’ve flown with the Blue Angels, interviewed thousands of celebrities, hundreds of comedians and most of them were really cool. Most of them.Over the last 11 years, with your help, we’ve raised over 11 MILLION dollars for Children’sHospital of Wisconsin with our annual Miracle Marathon.  It’s been an AMAZING run and the best part? It ain’t even close to bein’ over. Don passed away a couple years back but I thank him every day for telling me that Milwaukee was the best place for us. I don’t think he knew how right he was. I’ve scanned a few dozen photos from the last 25 years .  check ‘em out here